


after all

by amdoix



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Angst, Feels, M/M, the first part kinda gets a bit sappy sry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:54:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23113522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amdoix/pseuds/amdoix
Summary: Three years later, Jaebeom finds himself reading the letter Jinyoung wrote for him when they broke up.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB & Park Jinyoung, Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	after all

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! the positive feedback from my first ff really made me happy. thank you to everyone who read, left their kudos and comments :') i'm back with another angst to torture you all with. got5 will still appear at some point in the story too :)
> 
> let's get this bread! skrrt skrrt!

_Did you ever regret choosing me? Did you regret loving me? Giving me your heart? Was there ever a time that you felt like I didn't love you; like I didn't care for you at all? Did you feel happy when I started straying away from you?_

_Were you waiting for my texts and my calls when you decided to be on your own? Did you ever think about sending me a text or giving me a call to check on me? Did you... talk to anyone about me? Did you ever think that I wasted your time? That our relationship was a waste of time? Was I ever a waste of effort, of love, of patience?_

_You're smart and I know you already noticed how these are all questions. Questions I never really got answers to. I'm probably never going to send you this. I know I should, but I also know I can't... because I don't have it in me to. But maybe I will. I don’t know. I promised you a lot of things. I promised that I wouldn't do this or do that. I promised that I'd fight for you. Maybe I wanted you to fight a little harder for us too--but that was already too much to ask, wasn't it? Maybe I wanted you to grab hold of my hand and give me a minute while I settled the war raging inside my head; the chaos that was happening so abruptly._

_You left. You left me to be alone with the thoughts that never really seemed to leave your head nor did you bother to translate them into words. You left to think things through, to settle the war between your mind and heart; you left to decide whether what we had--and I--was still worth fighting for._

_And as you left me amidst all the ruins of us, I tried to pick up the pieces that were left in the rubble. I dug through the ashes of what used to be good and I did my best to figure things out on my own. I was so sure. I was so sure that I'd keep fighting for you. I was so sure that I was ready to give all the fight that was left in me._

_That's how much I loved you._

_Then there were times that I... wasn't so sure anymore._

_At this moment, as I'm writing this right now, I'm not quite sure what it is I'm feeling. I... was I honestly a terrible person? Was I not worthy of love and effort anymore? Has your patience really stretched out as far as it could? Has your heart hardened that way because of me?_

_Maybe it really was--is--my fault. Maybe it was my madness that made you reach your end. I guess that's how a broken heart and a directionless mind makes you feel. It makes you cringe because of your own mistakes, and because you thought you ruined something good; something beautiful; something irreplaceable._

_I'm not yet sure if I should thank you for the broken heart, but I want to thank you for the lessons anyway. Thank you for being a reminder to how strong I actually am. I was, and still am, able to get up in the morning, go about my day like everything's okay, like it's a normal day, just without you in it. It seemed like the hardest thing to do at first yet I did it. I did it anyway. I did it. For me._

_I still want to thank you for being there during my toughest times. Thank you for staying by my side when the world seemed to be against me. Thank you for believing in me when nobody else did, myself included. Thank you for loving me when I acted like the least lovable person in the world. Thank you for taking care of me the way you always have, even when it meant taking care of me first before you took care of yourself. I know that after you realized that, it broke your heart too._

_I guess I deserve the heartbreak though. I had it coming, because I broke your heart while we were still together and I couldn't see that you weren't happy anymore. I now understand why you needed to break my heart. Maybe because it was just fair. Maybe because it was the right thing to do._

_I hugged you tight when you felt like you weren't good enough; when you felt so lost because you thought your future looked so blurry that you couldn't see a clear path towards your finish line. I assured you I'd help in following your dreams. I even said I'd follow them with you. I assured you that on the day that you finally reach the finish line, I'll be standing there waiting for you with open arms, ready to hug you and congratulate you for a job well done. I wanted to give you hugs that felt like armor because no matter how strong you make everybody else think you are, I know that inside you is still a child that needs comfort, protection, rest--a child that needs love._

_I saw the best in you when you thought nobody else could. Or at least during those times when you broke your own mind by thinking about how long you had to wait to get a move and be a step closer to where you wanted to be. I wanted to hold you and cry with you, too. I felt everything as deeply as you did. When you got hurt, I hurt too. I reminded you that no matter what happens, I'll always be proud of you and your magic, and that you're so much more than what other people think._

_I loved you with all that I could and with everything that I had. I took care of you in the best way I knew how. I tried to make sure everything was convenient for you._

_I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry if that was never enough, or if it was always too much. Don't get me wrong. I'm not telling you everything that I did to get you to reconsider. I put it out here to serve as a reminder to myself that I was good to you too._

_I understood all the times that you pushed me away, even when it was hard for me to accept, I respected your decisions because I know I'm in no place to compete with your mind and your heart. I let you heal on your own._

_I've always thought that the intensity of our love for each other was far greater than any problem, than any trials and difficulties we came across along the way._

_I've always thought that you were a fight I'd die for. You and what we had were worth fighting for, and so I did. I fought with all my strength. I fought with all that I had. No matter how tired I felt, how badly I wanted and needed to rest, I always got back up and fought again. I didn't complain to anybody. I didn't ask questions because I understood that this is what it meant to love. This is what I needed to do to fight for what I really wanted._

_But one day along the way of the journey to get back to you, I realized that I might have already been defeated; that there was nothing left for me to fight for anymore. The war was over. I have lost._

_This would be the part where I willfully accept my defeat._

_Goodbye to you, to our memories, our deepest, darkest secrets, our habits and our usuals. I'm going to miss it with all of me. I guess this is how our story ends? I'll find a way to forget about all the things that you left for me to remember and I'll try my hardest to make new memories of my own._

_I can't imagine the day that I'll be completely okay again but I'm wishing for it. For myself. Someday I'll forgive you for breaking my heart, and I hope you forgive me for breaking yours. On that same day, I hope I forgive myself too._

_Thank you for everything that we've been through. I wouldn't be the me that I am now if it weren't for you. Wherever life takes you, I hope it always makes sure that your heart is happy._

_Thank you for everything, Jaebeom-ah. For the last time and for what it's worth, I'm sorry and I love you._

_\- Jinyoung_

  
  
  


Jaebeom sighed as he closed the letter in his hand, his mind still reeling. It's been almost three years but he always feels like it was just yesterday. The way Jinyoung was crying and how he had to physically hold himself back from reaching over the younger's cheek to wipe his tears and all the pain away as they faced each other for the last time to part ways. It was a rough year for both Jaebeom and Jinyoung, and it obviously took a toll on their relationship.

Now, sitting on the edge of the bed, clutching the slightly crumpled letter, he debated on whether he should get rid of it and how. Should he throw it away? Shred it? Burn it? He's moved on from all the pain, but he always has had the urge to read this particular letter at times like this. Sometimes he doesn't even have to read certain parts anymore because he's read it too many times that it's already ingrained in his brain. 

He fished for the phone in his pocket and dialed a number.

"Hey, Jacks. Do you have a lighter?" Jaebeom said as soon as Jackson picked up.

"Lighter?! What do you need it for?! Are you going to smoke again?! Hyung!" Jackson's voice was so loud that Jaebeom had to move the phone away from his ears.

"Why are you shouting? And no, I just need to do something," Jaebeom answered, chuckling slightly as he remembered how he started smoking his lungs black after Jinyoung left. Heartbreak does things to people.

"Fine, but I'm still suspicious and I have my eyes on you! I'm watching you!" Jaebeom heard a door opening and closing from the other line before the call ended.

Not two minutes later, Jackson barged inside Jaebeom's room, lighter in hand. Jaebeom looked up from where he was seated and offered Jackson a cheeky smile before standing up.

Jackson extended his hand which Jaebeom immediately took and shook. He pulled Jaebeom for a hug, whispering in his hyung's ear, "I swear to god if you're smoking again, I'll tie your hands and feet and lock you in the bathroom," before pulling away.

Jaebeom, with the cheeky smile still plastered on his face, just opened his palm asking for the lighter which Jackson immediately gave him. 

"I'm not smoking again. It's bad for my health. And I still want to live a long life."

"Good! But what are you gonna do anyway? Please don't tell me you're planning to burn this hotel down."

Jaebeom just laughed and showed Jackson the letter in his hand before gesturing for the younger to follow him to the balcony where a small table was. He crumpled the paper enough to fit into the ashtray on the table and started to light it, the paper turning into ash as quickly as it caught fire.

Jackson, fully knowing what his friend went through, understood what Jaebeom was doing and stood beside him in silence. After all, he was there from the beginning.

"I'm proud of you, hyung." 

"Thanks, Jackson-ah."

As the last of the paper succumbed to the fire, a soft knock interrupted both of the boys' silence. They turned their heads to the direction of the door as Mark peeked in.

"What are you guys doing? Jackson, we need Jaebeom downstairs now. It's about to start."

  
  


\---------------------------

Jaebeom, now standing at the end of the aisle, is overwhelmed with happiness. Two years ago, if someone told him he's going to marry the love of his life and feel overwhelmed with happiness, he'd laugh at them and call them crazy. But now that he's living it, he can't help but feel silly and thankful that he pushed forward and moved on, leaving the pain of the past behind.

His thoughts were interrupted when the doors of the ceremony hall opened and he saw him from where he was standing. He was gorgeous. He always has been. After all this time.

\---------------------------

As Jinyoung marched towards the altar, he thought about how far he had come. How much he had to endure and how much pain he had to deal with. Would he want to go through all of it again? Maybe not. But if it meant getting this ending, if it meant being where he is now, he'd do it all again. In a heartbeat, he'd go to hell and back if it meant marrying Jaebeom at the end of it all.

He can still remember how exactly a year ago, he bumped into Jaebeom for the first time in two years since they broke up. He didn’t know when and how, but before he realized it, they were together again. Better this time. And he knew. He just knew. Maybe it’s really true what they say, that you never forget your great love. That after a breakup, it’s just there, lurking in the deepest crevice of your heart, resurfacing for air when you allow it. And he’s glad he allowed it. He’s glad Jaebeom did too.

When he reached the end of the aisle, he saw how his groom was smiling with tear-stained cheeks and he couldn't help but smile despite his face being wet with his own tears.

"Hi, hyung."

"Hey, Jinyoungie."

Jaebeom took Jinyoung's hand and put it on his arms before they walked towards where the priest was waiting for them.

\-------------------------------

The ceremony came to an end and they could hear the cheers of their friends in the crowd. Mark, Jackson, Youngjae, Bambam, and Yugyeom were crying and cheering simultaneously as they ran and tackled the couple to congratulate them.

"Jaebeommie hyung, Jinyoungie hyung, I'm so happy. And Coco is too!" Youngjae said while sobbing and holding Coco close to his face.

"JJ PROJECT!! SKRRT SKRRT!" Bambam and Yugyeom exclaimed together before doing the infamous JJ cross.

"We knew you'd find each other again, didn't we Mark?" Jackson said as he took both Jaebeom and Jinyoung's hands.

"Jackson never lost hope in you both. We all never lost hope, really," Mark said as he smiled and hugged the newly wed.

Jaebeom and Jinyoung smiled at their friends. They have always felt thankful for the support they received through it all. All five of their friends, as crazy as it sounds, all went through the pain and heartbreak that was Jaebeom and Jinyoung's breakup. 

The married couple turned to each other and had that look on their faces--a look only people who are meant to be with each other share and understand.

You see, no matter how far you stray away from something, if it's meant to be yours, it will always find its way back to you. Always.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> yay! thank you for reaching the end and enduring this very sappy ff. i hope you enjoyed this just as much. let me know what you think! i'm always open to suggestions and comments <3


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